so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
