Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
