My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
