I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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