Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
