Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
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He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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