I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
