I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
