Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
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My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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