I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
