I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
