Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome