so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
