Are you guys doing anything tonight?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
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She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar