I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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