When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!