I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.