its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
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You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
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DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This couple is walking their pig around campus