The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
