go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
