sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
