I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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