Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.