So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
God, you're like boner-b-gone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.