Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(970): View more from Colorado

i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show

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(970): i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show http://tfl.nu/yysf

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(941): View more from Florida

If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?

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(941): If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him? http://tfl.nu/9nhp

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(254): View more from Texas

Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.

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(254): Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes. http://tfl.nu/elqh

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(330): View more from Ohio

did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..

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(330): did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding.. http://tfl.nu/ng2x

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(718): View more from New York

He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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(718): He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race. http://tfl.nu/hbzv

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(425): Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me. http://tfl.nu/edgt

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"

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(859): he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots" http://tfl.nu/5st6

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.

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(724): Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over. http://tfl.nu/rd2c

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore

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(678): I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore http://tfl.nu/ro2x

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.

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(405): Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved. http://tfl.nu/fkxo

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(661): View more from California

Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.

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(661): Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode. http://tfl.nu/t52r

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.

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(601): Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though. http://tfl.nu/pqgx

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(519): she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!" http://tfl.nu/5ib0

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(916): View more from California

I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.

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(916): I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions. http://tfl.nu/tje6

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(289): View more from Ontario

For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)

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(289): For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013) http://tfl.nu/5uly

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