I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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