Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
of course. lets lasso hookers.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house