i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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