mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
