The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
