textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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