I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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