i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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