I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
