I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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