I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
