I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
