My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
4 words: hood of his car
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.