You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
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you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.