Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death