i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.