I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Come on in and take your pants off
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