I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
