When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
