I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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