I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
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I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
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The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."