Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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