apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
