well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
