Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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