Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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