True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
