I am in a vortex of obligation.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
