I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
