just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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