She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
